Marshall Goldsmith’s new book is titled Triggers (2015). The timing of its publication is particularly meaningful for me as I had an upfront and still resonating experience with one of my triggers. Goldsmith defines a behavioral trigger as any stimulus that impacts our behavior. It can be direct or indirect; internal or external; anticipated or unexpected; encouraging or discouraging, and productive and counter-productive.
A few weeks ago we were invited to dinner with three other couples. Our invitation came to us as a “belated birthday gift that one of the couples wanted to treat our mutual friend.” We were invited to join them for dinner. We, my husband and I, had already celebrated and honored our friend’s birthday and were joining the group for a nice evening out with three couples whose company we genuinely enjoy.
At the restaurant, we asked for a separate check and were told that would not be a problem. A few hours later after a delightful night of food, drink and conversation, our server presented the dinner bill to a member of our dinner party who suggested we split the bill four ways. The individual who had suggested the dinner as a way for her to celebrate our friend’s birthday spoke up and told the waitperson to divide the bill into thirds. My husband and I just looked at each other and acknowledged that we were now spending $80.00 more than we had hoped or expected.
So, big deal – what’s $80? You would be correct except that one of my major life trigger’s was awakened and ready for battle. I pride myself on being generous – of heart, home, money, friendship, and adaptation in meeting the needs of others. When I believe (realistic or not) that my generosity is taken advantage of, my internal army steals for war – and as we all know, war is not pretty.
So, when my friend leaned over asked me if it was OK to split the bill three ways, I said no. I stated that my husband and I had already celebrated our friend’s birthday and had not expected inclusion in her gift. I said it quietly and without judgment, but I spoke up for myself, without drama or anger.
The point of this blog is how difficult it is to manage very deep and personal triggers. I was proud of myself for this small milestone and that none of the relationships I cherish were damaged. We all have triggers. How we manage and respond to them is the trial.
Goldsmith reminds us of the following:
- Change doesn’t happen overnight.
- Success is the sum of small efforts repeated day in and day out.
- If we make the effort, we will get better. If we don’t, we won’t.
For years, I have been working on this particular trigger and in a very small way, I did experience success. I was aware that triggers are a sum of experiences, expectations, and that, right or wrong, they are a part of each of our unique fabric.
With the delights and challenges of the upcoming holidays, I encourage you to be mindful of your triggers. Wishing you reflective time on your 2015, and anticipatory gratitude for what is to come in 2016.
Dr. Jan Bouch
